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The Warlopedia Wiki
Welcome to the The Warlopedia The official Wiki of the mighty Charlie's Warlocks 5-a-side football team. Charlie's Warlocks Charlie's Warlocks, affectionately known to their fans as 'the Warlocks' are a 5-a-side football team who play in the Tuesday Early League second division at Barnet Powerleague. The Warlocks are veterans of the league having played in 5 consecutive seasons. Founded in May of 2011 by team captain Takis Anatolitis, the Warlocks have spent the majority of their existence in the second division of the Tuesday Early League. They enjoyed the height of their success during their second season, in which they were promoted to the top division following a second place finish in the league after a 10-game campagin which went down to the final match. In their maiden top-flight season, the Warlocks were however ritually humiliated by a series of heavy defeats and duly returned to the second division where they currently remain. Latest Warlocks News Gashkan to be Gagged? '(1 August, 2012) Following increasing concern over Ash Rahmat's embarrassing attempts at humour (see below news report) rumours are rife that Warlopedia administators are considering revoking his editing privileges on the site in an attempt to curtail his substandard contributions. Having already caused great controversy by removing details of his reprehensible past in Eastern Europe and committing the equally heinous faux-pas of typing 'are' instead of 'our' - a remarkable failure for a post-graduate legal student - Ashkan has added considerable weight to the suggestions that exams are indeed getting easier. A Warlopedia spokesman confirmed that Rahmat's future updates are to be closely monitored with a view to maintaining the highly professional ethos of the site. In similar news, Mark Grogan has proven that it isn't just his football that is riddled with errors, making an astounding 4 spelling mistakes in 4 separate Warlopedia updates in a single day's editing. '''Where's Grogan? '(31 July 2012) Following a prolonged absence from the pitch, people have been asking "Where's Grogan". Rumour has it he took a cock up the arse and hasn't been able to run properly, others say he does more good off the pitch than on it. Well whatever you think about our beloved, he's been acting more like a "submarine" than a "Wolverine", choosing to stay under the radar. Are thoughts are with Takis Anatolitis, Grogan's long suffering boyfriend. 'Smashkan Smashes It '(27 July, 2012) A huge Warlocks 'congratulations' goes out today to Ashkan Rahmat after he received a distinction in the Legal Practice Course, a mark which sadly eluded team captain, Takis Anatolitis before him. Given his regular altercations with various European authorities, Ash's newfound elite legal expertise now leaves him better-placed to work his way through loopholes in the law relating to his controversial extra-curricular activity. A Warlocks spokesperson today played down the suggestions that Ash had the moderators paid off to deliver his top grade. Charles Stewart is rumoured to have already hired Ash as his personal defence against a plethora of sex offence allegations. Ash's first job as Warlocks General Counsel however will be to finalise the contracts on a high-end sponsorship deal, the proceeds of which are to be used to pay off the families of Stewart's victims. 'Keeper Crisis '(27 July, 2012) A combination of Ash Rahmat's terrible injury fortunes, Alex Harris' impending two-week holiday and Mark Grogan's distinct general lack of ability have left the Warlocks short of a regular goalkeeper for much of Season 6. The situation does not seem to be about to remedy itself any time soon with the crucial promotion clash with Real Old a little over two weeks away. Despite a frankly woeful effort on goal in the last match, Charles Stewart's abilities will surely be needed outfield in the coming games and so the situation remains: the Warlocks desperately need a goalkeeper. Manager, Anatolitis is appealing to all Warlocks for any suggestions for a temporary solution to the vacancy. Anatolitis plans to contact the Powerleague centre to try and find a stand-by goalkeeper to fill in but in the meantime it would be greatly appreciated if any known keepers are contact prior to Tuesday's game. 'Warlocks Team Kit '(24 July, 2012) Not satisfied with the degree to which the Warlocks are currently being kicked over the course of their matches, team chairman Takis Anatolitis has decided it is time to create a slightly more offensive look by introducing an official Charlie's Warlocks team kit. The cost of each shirt is likely to be around £20 and this may include numbering and shirt names, however the club has decided to offer a 50% student discount. Anatolitis has already expressed his desire for a "Ridiculinho", number 10 jersey complete with captain's armband. In an attempt to appease their legions of fans, the Warlocks are hoping to keep their traditional white as at least one of the colours on the kit. Another concern is to choose a colour unlikely to clash with that of any other team in an attempt to avoid the dreaded sweat-soaked BO-ridden bibs, fresh from the armpits of the previous team. Rumours have surfaced that Mark Grogan is not to be offered a shirt upon his return from injury. '''Kit suggestions Given the uncanny and well-documented similarities in play between captain, Takis Anatolitis and Argentina star Lionel Messi, the sky blue and white vertical stripes of Argentina is the natural choice for the Warlocks team. The vertical pattern achieves a more slimming effect while the v-neck collar allows breathing room for Anatolitis' monstrous traps. It should be noted that individual Warlocks are likely to have virtually no input to choosing their own shirt names, as these should be chosen by their adoring teammates. "Gashkan, 5", anyone? Wealthy philanthropist, Nick Mabbett is rumoured to have offered the Warlocks a full sponsorhip for the value of the kits on the condition that a photograph of his rusty sheriff's badge be positioned on the front of the shirt. Setback for Smashkan '(25 July, 2012) The Warlocks' goalkeeper curse continued this week when Ashkan Rahmat, days before his long anticipated return to goal, suffered a fractured thumb. Brave soldier Ash played outfield nevertheless, dishing out a plethora of crunching challenges in the process, while fellow sicknote Mark Grogan watched on from the sidelines. Ash had earlier criticised Grogan for 'pussying out', questioning his commitment to the team. Grogan, who has been called the Jordan Henderson of Charlie's Warlocks, responded by rescinding Ash's invite to his bi-weekly Jurassic Park-athon. '''Grogan out for 3-4 weeks with fractured toe '(10 July, 2012) Legendary mascot Mark Grogan, the infamous hardman of the squad, has injured his toe when trying to receive a pass from a team member. Ever the style-guru of the team, Grogan can be seen nowadays walking with one shoe and one fetching slipper. We do look forward to his return to form as his banter on the pitch is sorely missed. Scientific analysis of his injury suggests that the damage was most likely sustained as a result of his creepily oversized big toe, a condition medically known as Congenital Creepiphalange Syndrome. Season 6 Match Reports & Standings '''Charlie's Warlocks 7-16 MURPHY'S BLACK & WHITE NINJAS WEEK 4: Warlocks stunned back to reality as they relinquish the top spot After making the dream start to their Season 6 campaign the Warlocks had to suffer the now unfamiliar taste of defeat after they were comprehensively beaten by league newcomers Murphy's Black & White Ninjas and displaced at the top of the table by Real Old. Fortunately however, the other results of the evening played nicely into their favour as a rare draw between Muswell Hillbillies and new league leaders, Real Old left the Warlocks second by only a point, while maintaining a gap over third-placed Hillbillies. A confident Warlocks side lined up for their first ever encounter with Murphy's Black & White Ninjas, a team who had narrowly lost each of their opening three games and sat in 5th place. The boys in white were delivered a sharp reality check however when, within a matter of minutes, the Ninjas had stormed to a 5-0 lead after a collection of neat passes and clinical finishes. As he had on so many occasions in the past, George began single-handedly spearheading a Warlocks comeback, scoring a hatful of individual goals to save his team's blushes. With the clock approaching half-time, the scoreline read a far more respectable 7-4. In the second half, however, the Ninjas proved too strong. A slick, organised performance marred heavily by unsportsmanlike conduct of the most embarrassing nature culminated in what was a convinving win for the team who began the night on zero points. Geoff found the net for the third consecutive game before Simon side-footed a trademark placed effort into the corner of the net but it was not enough to compete with the movement and deadly finishing on show from their opponents. For all the class the Ninjas showed in their football, they lacked it entirely in every other respect, kicking, elbowing and complaining their way through the best part of 50 minutes. Make no mistake, this is a team of able, but genuinely despicable scumbags, epitomised by one horrendous little excuse for a human in particular, a veritable skidmark on the underpants of society. As arguably the most loathsome indivudual the Warlocks have ever had the misfortune of playing against and sporting the red of Arsenal (how appropriate), this truly abhorrent disgrace of a player displayed a level of cuntitude previously unheard of in the fair game of 5-a-side football. Sadly his footballing talents fell far short of justifying his cocky taunts, aggressive baiting of the ref and players and complete lack of sportsmanship as he was, curiously, the worst player on his team. After the match, Perrozzi commented, "I guarantee you that kid is a virgin". After petulantly kicking the ball away in response to the Warlocks being rightly awarded a free kick, he was duly sin-binned which, short of having him put down, was probably the most appropriate response by the referee. Many Warlocks are already eagerly anticipating their next meeting with Murphy's Ninjas, relishing the prospect of clatterring him into the sideboards. For now at least their attention must turn to next week's crucial title match against long-standing rivals Real Old. Has the bubble finally burst for Charlie's Warlocks? Tuesday evening will surely be the biggest test of their character so far. Goals - George 4, Geoff 1, Simon 1. MAN OF THE MATCH: George Perrozzi The only bright spark among a Warlocks team who appeared out of their depth for much of the game. George fought well for the ball and was left wanting for support on too many occasions. George showed flashes of individual brilliance, grabbing himself 4 goals in the process leaving the Golden Boot race looking like a foregone conclusion. Not quite the one-man team he has seemed at times in the past, it has to be said that were it not for George in this game, the Warlocks may have found themselves on the end of a far more humiliating defeat. NEXT OPPONENT: Real Old A mouth-watering clash awaits the Warlocks as they take on the old enemy Real Old for the top spot in Division 2. Unlike with Murphy's Black and White Ninjas, the Warlocks are very well acquainted with these opponents and will need to use all their experience to get the result they so badly need. A win for the Warlocks will re-establish them as league leaders with a 2-point cushion however a defeat will leave Real Old with vital breathing space and a 4-point lead with a superior goal difference. In addition, defeat would mean the very real prospect of dropping out of the top 2 promotion spots. Both teams lost their 100% record last night but Real Old remain the only unbeaten team in the division after 4 matches following a draw with Muswell Hillbillies. Historically this fixture has thrown up tight, physical matches of high quality, with the head-to-head more or less 50-50. This contest promises to be just as close. Real Old are typically very consistent and organised and tough to break down. The Warlocks will therefore have to call upon their early season firepower to come out on top. It's anyone's guess who will come out the victor in this crucial match, however for Anatolitis' men, there is only one acceptable result. Come on you Warlocks! UPDATED: Season 6: Golden Boot See Previous Match Reports Meet The Warlocks Takis Anatolitis (Captain) Ashkan Rahmat Alex Harris Charles Stewart Ross Stewart Mark Grogan Simon Millson Alex Alimo Geoff Spencer-Smith George Perozzi Category:Browse